I am and always have been a paradox, to be honest, a real pain in the ass. To anyone who is or has been close to me that would be the generally accepted opinion, but no one can point at me and talk about my faults without acknowledging the fact that as with everyone, my greatest weaknesses are paradoxically my strengths. Both are just a wee bit more obvious than with most people.
An example might be the first two books I bought, not read but purchased as the start of my personal collection. At the age of nine I purchased two books, "Principia" by Newton and "Dicta Bolecke" by Bolecke. The first is Newtons great work, the second a bit more obscure, is the first attempt to establish the tactics of acm or what he first called a dogfight.
In the same year I announced to my parents that I was renouncing their religion, and the one I was being raised in, as "not supported by the facts" and instead was adopting the Code of Bushido. My butt stung for a period but after a year they quit trying to get me off the floor and into the bed for the night.
These are just a couple of examples of what I call personal dragons but certainly affected those around me, and my reputation and effect have only increased. My journey and the effect on those around me has exceeded even my capacity to justify my presence among others.
For four years my journey has played out in a manner in which caused great sacrifice and great pain on the one that would my last choice to suffer thus. "Have you ever had the feeling that you wanted to go and the feeling that you wanted to stay?"
This little play on words points out a paradox that I face everyday. I am not really complaining about that reality of my life, I'm comfortable with paradox. It is the lady journeying with me that has the right to complain.
The hardest thing for her is to have been a witness to what has happened to me, how it has changed me so that the question of leaving or staying would even be part of the thinking. The changes she has endured have been considerable and not without grief and sacrifice.
I love and admire her greatly. I am greatly impressed with her sacrifices even though she is plagued with the question, WHY? and the paradox that drives her crazy is that I don't, ask WHY?
I'm more concerned with the seeming inevitable, not that I'm going to die soon but rather a disgust with myself that it is not going to be with my "boots on".
lo, there do I see my father
lo, there do I see my mother, my sisters and my brothers
there do I see the line of my people extending to the beginning
they do call to me from the halls of Valhalla
where the brave shall live forever
I'm like this and she loves me anyway, go figure.
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this paradox was perhaps the start of my fascination with paradox .Those were not abnormal reading for me at the time. The subject matter of "Principia" was to be the subject covered in my special ed class the next year, and at eight I decided that I wanted to fly off carriers.This started a trait that has governed my curiosity ever since, that is start at the beginning, try to get as close as you can to the first expression of an idea before everyone gets ahold of it and begins with the process of "looking at".
The real paradox for me was the question, is it a curse or a gift that while my piers were reading about and playing at normal things I was interested in these? Now. whether it was a gift or a curse to have an intellect that required some pretty abnormal stimulation has been both at various times in my life. A definitive answer to that question is still undecided.
wingfire
I know that tune.
I got off the phone with a buddy that survived the Gulf in 1990 as an army ranger. He had a doc give him too many different pills and he landed in ICU. Almost died. I chewed him out and let him know he would have to put in a written request before he pulls that stunt again. I got a laugh out of him so he is on the road back.
"Why" is a non-functional word. Events take place..to look for a reason is what we do out of powerlessness and fear.
We all are members of that club until we make the transition you have made.
This life is our duty station...when we get orders cut we will move on. In the meantime we continue.
At 62 with my history I wake from the pain. Doc and the lady say I should take meds for pain..I won't...they don't get it.
"why" is actually one my observations about the archtypes. It seems to the defining guestion for the magician, not so much for the warrior.
wingfire
This entire existence is paradoxical, isn't it? There are always opposing forces at work, tugging at each other and at us - - yin/yang seems like the simplest way of viewing the phenomenon, but it plays out in seasons and zoology and human biology and everywhere else. Paradoxically, maybe the best coping mechanism is to accept the paradoxes, noting them and enjoying them for what they are.
Having written that, you of course have the ultimate choice on "stay or go" - - no matter what that means to you and even if it's the permanent version of "stay or go". Like anything else in life, both prongs of the decision tree have consequences.
In the most profound sense, I hope you stay - - life is a trip.
I can not say with a straight face that "enjoyment" would be the word they would use. It would be fair to say that I tested the boundaries of the parent/child bond.
I use paradox to determine alot, that truth exists in the space of the paradox and unless paradox is present, there is no truth to be found and no reason to think about it.
I find that there are some times that I find myself tired of what has seemed to me as the sandpaper of existence. The code of bushido calls for the celebration of life in each breath, and that taking up space without this is cause for an honorable exit. The code has shifted in me so that the honor is not for me but for those whose lives I took in single combat. To stay until the end seems like the thing to do. But that doesn't mean I'm always happy about that.
wingfire